Understanding and Recognising Coercive Control in Real Life
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, manipulate and restrict another person’s freedom and autonomy. Rather than a single incident, it involves ongoing tactics that create fear, dependence and compliance over time.
If you, or someone you know needs help, please contact:
1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)
13 Yarn Call 13 92 76
Zonta House 1800 870 149
Crisis Care 1800 199 008
*In an emergency, call 000
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic abuse, the yourtoolkit.com Coercive Control Self Assessment Tool can help you understand whether coercive control might be present. https://yourtoolkit.com/questionnaire/ccsa/
Learn more about coercive control in the Zonta House 'Understanding Coercive Control' 2 hour online short course, or other FDV workshops, such as FDV First Aid.
Find out more at www.zontahouse.org.au/training.
Abuse That Often Hides in Plain Sight
When people think about family and domestic violence (FDV), they often picture physical violence. Yet for many victim-survivors, the harm begins long before any physical abuse occurs.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, manipulate and restrict another person’s freedom and autonomy. Rather than a single incident, it involves ongoing tactics that create fear, dependence and compliance over time.
According to Zonta House Chief Executive Officer Kelda Oppermann, coercive control is among the most common forms of abuse experienced by the people the organisation supports.
“Coercive control creates a climate of fear, contradiction, and confusion. It can leave victim-survivors feeling like hostages in their own lives. We see this form of abuse being experienced with nearly each and every person we support.”
Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often difficult to recognise. It can begin with small behaviours that seem insignificant in isolation, such as criticism, jealousy, excessive monitoring, imposed expectations or subtle attempts to isolate someone from family and friends. Over time, these behaviours can escalate and become increasingly restrictive.
“One of the challenges is that coercive control is not often plainly obvious,” says Oppermann.
“We know it starts small and slow; a remark, gaslighting, imposed expectations, creating divide with family, friends, networks and colleagues.”
Coercive control can take many forms, including emotional abuse, financial control, isolation, monitoring, restricting freedom, undermining confidence, manipulating parenting arrangements, or using children and pets as tools of control.
Key Dynamics of Coercive Control
- Targeted and intentional, directed at the victim to gain control.
- Patterned and ongoing with repeated and evolving behaviours that intensify.
- Hidden and intertwined with intimacy, concealed from others, often mixing abuse with affection, creating confusion and dependency.
- One-directional, from the person exerting control toward the person being controlled. Any resistance is an act of self-protection, not mutual violence.
- Threatening and escalates in frequency and severity over time and can continue even after separation, especially when children are involved.
Victim-survivors may find themselves constantly changing their behaviour in an effort to avoid conflict, criticism or punishment.
“Living with fear and self-censorship, feeling like every decision, conversation, outfit, friendship or opinion must be carefully managed to avoid criticism, anger, punishment or retaliation.
“Coercive control doesn’t always look the same. Tactics target vulnerabilities, personality, and life circumstances and works like brainwashing; the perpetrator replaces the victim-survivor’s inner voice with their own, while their own needs, wants, and identity become irrelevant, and the perpetrator’s perspective dominates, creating dependence and entrapment.
“Perpetrators also use pseudo-caring behaviours that look thoughtful to the victim-survivor, to their family and friends, but actually serve to micro-manage and restrict autonomy.
“Perpetrators often come across as caring and charming to victim-survivors as well as to their friends and family, which makes disclosure less believable and less possible.
Coercive Control is One-Directional
Importantly, coercive control is not about relationship conflict. It is about power and control. The behaviour is targeted, intentional, patterned and one-directional. Any resistance by a victim-survivor is an act of self-protection rather than mutual abuse.
The impacts are significant. Coercive control can affect physical health, mental wellbeing, confidence, identity and decision-making. Many victim-survivors experience what is known as the “FOG” of abuse: fear, obligation and guilt*.
“Fear imposes consequences for non-compliance. Obligation pressures someone to prioritise the perpetrator’s needs over their own autonomy. Guilt manipulates them to feel responsible for the abuse being inflicted upon them.”
Research continues to show a strong connection between coercive control and serious harm, including physical violence, making early recognition and intervention critical.
(*FOG is a concept that has been developed by Tori Cooke at Pandora Projects.)
Awareness and Education for Prevention
Education plays an essential role in prevention. Understanding how coercive control operates allows individuals, families, workplaces and communities to identify warning signs earlier, respond safely and support victim-survivors more effectively.
As Oppermann explains:
“One important and powerful starting point for each one of us is knowledge. If we don’t know it, we can’t see it or stop it.”
Ending coercive control requires a collective community response. By increasing awareness, challenging harmful attitudes and supporting survivors, we can help create a future where all people can live safely, free from violence and control.
How to Play Your Part
- Enrol in an education or prevention course
- Change the norms, practices and structures that produce gender inequality
- Challenge the condoning of violence against women
- Promote women’s independence and decision-making in public and private
- Foster positive personal identities and challenge gendered stereotypes and roles
- Strengthen positive, equal and respectful relations between and among the genders
- Promote and normalise gender equality within relationships and across society
| Read More Zonta House CEO Kelda Oppermann recently contributed to a Guardian Australia article exploring coercive control, family and domestic violence, and the importance of recognising patterns of abuse. Read the article at: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2026/aug/31/wa-government-coercive-control-is-family-violence-no-matter-who-does-it-says-minister |
If you, or someone you know needs help, please contact:
1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)
13 Yarn Call 13 92 76
Zonta House 1800 870 149
Crisis Care 1800 199 008
*In an emergency, call 000
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic abuse, the yourtoolkit.com Coercive Control Self Assessment Tool can help you understand whether coercive control might be present. https://yourtoolkit.com/questionnaire/ccsa/
Learn more about coercive control in the Zonta House 'Understanding Coercive Control' 2 hour online short course, or other FDV workshops, such as FDV First Aid.
Find out more at www.zontahouse.org.au/training.
